Depressed.

I woke up so incredibly depressed today and I'm not 100% sure why. L stayed up until around 4am so I have a severe lack of sleep. I'm wondering if lack of sleep is a trigger for my moods to swing.

I didn't show up for work today. I messaged them at 9 and said we'd just woken up (true) and I'd be  in asap. Then I screwed around and fell back asleep until noon. Oops. So, at that point, I was incredibly depressed and crying and just decided to stay home all day. Jenn text me around 1 and asked what was going on. I told her I just felt like the walls are closing in on me today and I can't deal. She responded and said I have to communicate with them so they'll know what's going on. Now that I think about it, I was in a pretty crappy mood at work yesterday, too. I hate my job sometimes. I hate working under J.  She's a spiteful bitch and uses her power to her advantage when she's not happy. When  something makes me upset or mad, I can't stop thinking about it and blowing it way out of proportion. Before I know what's happened, I've turned it into "everyone hates me and I'm worthless.".  Obviously, this is something I need to discuss with my therapist. I have an appointment on Tuesday so maybe we can talk about this. This is the first low I've had in a while. I'm definitely not as low as I used to be, but it's still certainly not fun to lay around and cry and sleep all day. I have no desire to do anything.

I went way out of my comfort zone last night and went to a MRTT Dash and Dine. It was fun, but I'm thinking it could also be a part of my depression in some way. I was the last person to come in, and I was certainly the fattest and I was struggling the most to keep up. I didn't keep up with the majority of the group. My calves screamed the whole time so much so that I'm wondering if I need to talk to my doctor about it. They killed me the whole time. I didn't fuel or hydrate my body properly, but I really don't think most people have such issues with wogging less than a mile. :/ I just feel like I'll never get to where I want to be. The fastest, strongest women there are beautiful and skinny and don't need makeup. So natural and wholesome. I'll never be that person. My skin is so ugly and I'll never be thin, even if I ran and worked out around the clock for the rest of my life. I just feel so damn defeated. The leader of our group shoots down every idea I have with a fucking pretentious smiley face at the end like she's talking to a child. I'm pretty sure she dislikes me because I have the same vinyl machine she has and offered to help with our next social that involves them. "Oh noes, someone has the same machine as me must turn  down every idea she has for no apparent reason."

I've lost another 2 pounds, which brings my total weight loss to 9.8 pounds since June 25. I should be celebrating that, but I'm not. Im just too damn depressed to do anything.

My mom group is worthless these days. There are a few I can count on, but I feel like most of them checked out months ago. I posted about my depression today and got responses from very few. Unless you have something drama filled or ridiculous, it seems like no one really cares. Pardon me for being a grown up.

Today sucks.

--Not So Supermom