Depressed.

I woke up so incredibly depressed today and I'm not 100% sure why. L stayed up until around 4am so I have a severe lack of sleep. I'm wondering if lack of sleep is a trigger for my moods to swing.

I didn't show up for work today. I messaged them at 9 and said we'd just woken up (true) and I'd be  in asap. Then I screwed around and fell back asleep until noon. Oops. So, at that point, I was incredibly depressed and crying and just decided to stay home all day. Jenn text me around 1 and asked what was going on. I told her I just felt like the walls are closing in on me today and I can't deal. She responded and said I have to communicate with them so they'll know what's going on. Now that I think about it, I was in a pretty crappy mood at work yesterday, too. I hate my job sometimes. I hate working under J.  She's a spiteful bitch and uses her power to her advantage when she's not happy. When  something makes me upset or mad, I can't stop thinking about it and blowing it way out of proportion. Before I know what's happened, I've turned it into "everyone hates me and I'm worthless.".  Obviously, this is something I need to discuss with my therapist. I have an appointment on Tuesday so maybe we can talk about this. This is the first low I've had in a while. I'm definitely not as low as I used to be, but it's still certainly not fun to lay around and cry and sleep all day. I have no desire to do anything.

I went way out of my comfort zone last night and went to a MRTT Dash and Dine. It was fun, but I'm thinking it could also be a part of my depression in some way. I was the last person to come in, and I was certainly the fattest and I was struggling the most to keep up. I didn't keep up with the majority of the group. My calves screamed the whole time so much so that I'm wondering if I need to talk to my doctor about it. They killed me the whole time. I didn't fuel or hydrate my body properly, but I really don't think most people have such issues with wogging less than a mile. :/ I just feel like I'll never get to where I want to be. The fastest, strongest women there are beautiful and skinny and don't need makeup. So natural and wholesome. I'll never be that person. My skin is so ugly and I'll never be thin, even if I ran and worked out around the clock for the rest of my life. I just feel so damn defeated. The leader of our group shoots down every idea I have with a fucking pretentious smiley face at the end like she's talking to a child. I'm pretty sure she dislikes me because I have the same vinyl machine she has and offered to help with our next social that involves them. "Oh noes, someone has the same machine as me must turn  down every idea she has for no apparent reason."

I've lost another 2 pounds, which brings my total weight loss to 9.8 pounds since June 25. I should be celebrating that, but I'm not. Im just too damn depressed to do anything.

My mom group is worthless these days. There are a few I can count on, but I feel like most of them checked out months ago. I posted about my depression today and got responses from very few. Unless you have something drama filled or ridiculous, it seems like no one really cares. Pardon me for being a grown up.

Today sucks.

--Not So Supermom

Finally.

After 3 weeks of walking or wogging, I finally did week one, day one of C25k! And I lived to talk about it! I took my little buddy J with me and he has been such a great motivator, whether he realizes it or not. He's always there with me, encouraging me in so many ways. I did all of the runs except runs 3 and 8 (the very last run). The third run was on a huge hill. I tried, but I didn't make it through. By the last run, my calves were screaming and I my shins felt like they were going to break. I ordered compression sleeves that should be here tomorrow so I hopefully that pain will ease up! I have such strong, muscular calves and I didn't ever think they'd be the part that hurt the most. My right hip hurt during the first couple of runs, but it was nothing unbearable and I pushed through.

During run 4 or 5, I felt like I finally hit my groove. "Perfect" by P!nk came on the Pandora station I was listening to and I just started ugly crying right there in the middle of my run. The words of the song and thinking about how far I've come in the last 4-5 months hit me and the tears just started flowing. I felt so empowered, yet vulnerable. It was such a cathartic experience and a feeling that I'd like to experience more often! If running brings out these emotions, I'm officially an addict. Pushing my body feels so good and it's so satisfying to go home in a sweat drenched headband and shirt.

I quit smoking almost a month ago and can tell such a difference in my breathing and abilities. I've also been sober for 36 days today! I never in my life thought I could go 36 days without an alcoholic drink. And while I still don't believe I was an alcoholic necessarily, I'm so glad I've stopped the binge drinking. I feel so much better. I'm happier. I'm less stressed (imagine that, even after going back to work!), my marriage has improved, and I just feel like I'm on such a positive path. God has been so, so good to me. Even when I hid from Him.

A Healthier Heather

I started back on my weight loss journey last week. I've been tracking my food and exercise in myfitnesspal and trying to stay under my calorie goal. I've done well so far. One day was off, but that's normal. I have to give myself wiggle room. Today, I worked out for the first time. I did a YouTube Dancing with Jessica video, which I liked a lot, and then a beginner low impact cardio video that I'm ashamed to say I didn't make it through. I had to turn it off at the halfway point. My legs were like jello and the kids were running around acting crazy, so I turned it off. My eating was completely on point today but I felt guilty for not finishing the workout this morning, so I went out for a power walk after  Adam got home. I barely made it to the end of the street before my calves were screaming and I was ready to be done. I turned around and came home. I so hope I can make progress with this. I'm looking for a 30 day challenge to complete during July and haven't decided which to go with yet.

I feel so much better by taking control of my health. I've got to make myself a priority if I want to overcome these issues and I will overcome them! I want to be the best I can be and being a depressed, miserable mess isn't the best I can be. I can feel myself slipping into a depression and I want to fight it with everything I have. I can do this!