SSDD

Here I am. Tomorrow is my last "acute" ECT treatment, which means I won't be having treatments 3 times per week anymore. They'll go to maintenance treatments after tomorrow. I have no idea what that means for me driving or going back to work or having any semblance of a normal life.

I feel so damn alone. Exactly zero people have checked in on me since I've been home. Friends that I thought were great friends turned out to not be so great. I'm thinking about applying for disability anyway. I just don't know if I have what it takes to hold down a normal job. So I'm starting to look for other employment opportunities and also thinking about disability.

I start First Flight in just a couple of weeks and I am super nervous about it. I'm going to be the fattest, slowest person there. I know I will be. I always am. Just another part of my depressing life. Ugggh. I don't wish this life on anyone.

Here

I'm here. Just barely, but I'm here. I went into the hospital on July 27th after  wanting to commit suicide. I was moved to Carolina Center for Behavioral Health on July 28th and stayed there until August 11th.  I started electroconvulsive-therapy (ECT) during my second week there and have been having it done on an outpatient basis. I had treatment number 6 today and I'm so hoping I can tell a difference soon. I could tell a difference after number 3, but was released to go home right before my 4th treatment and things have steadily gone downhill since I went home. My support system sucks. I feel like I don't have anyone I can depend on consistently, yet I am constantly dependent on others since I can't drive until further notice. It's terrible to go from feeling good about life to  not even feeling welcome in your own home. I feel like a stranger to my family and friends. I haven't told anyone from work that I'm out of the hospital. I have to stay out of work anyway while receiving ECT, so I don't really see the need in telling them yet. I can tell that I've suffered from some memory loss. The details around the days of ECT are fuzzy.

My baby started K3 today. He wouldn't let me take any pictures. He was too excited to go in and never cried or did anything out of the ordinary. He just took his teacher's hand and went right on in. I've got to do some things for his "real" first day tomorrow. Jameson starts 3rd grade tomorrow and I've got to do some things for him, too. I feel like such a crappy mom for not having things ready today.