SSDD

Here I am. Tomorrow is my last "acute" ECT treatment, which means I won't be having treatments 3 times per week anymore. They'll go to maintenance treatments after tomorrow. I have no idea what that means for me driving or going back to work or having any semblance of a normal life.

I feel so damn alone. Exactly zero people have checked in on me since I've been home. Friends that I thought were great friends turned out to not be so great. I'm thinking about applying for disability anyway. I just don't know if I have what it takes to hold down a normal job. So I'm starting to look for other employment opportunities and also thinking about disability.

I start First Flight in just a couple of weeks and I am super nervous about it. I'm going to be the fattest, slowest person there. I know I will be. I always am. Just another part of my depressing life. Ugggh. I don't wish this life on anyone.

Here

I'm here. Just barely, but I'm here. I went into the hospital on July 27th after  wanting to commit suicide. I was moved to Carolina Center for Behavioral Health on July 28th and stayed there until August 11th.  I started electroconvulsive-therapy (ECT) during my second week there and have been having it done on an outpatient basis. I had treatment number 6 today and I'm so hoping I can tell a difference soon. I could tell a difference after number 3, but was released to go home right before my 4th treatment and things have steadily gone downhill since I went home. My support system sucks. I feel like I don't have anyone I can depend on consistently, yet I am constantly dependent on others since I can't drive until further notice. It's terrible to go from feeling good about life to  not even feeling welcome in your own home. I feel like a stranger to my family and friends. I haven't told anyone from work that I'm out of the hospital. I have to stay out of work anyway while receiving ECT, so I don't really see the need in telling them yet. I can tell that I've suffered from some memory loss. The details around the days of ECT are fuzzy.

My baby started K3 today. He wouldn't let me take any pictures. He was too excited to go in and never cried or did anything out of the ordinary. He just took his teacher's hand and went right on in. I've got to do some things for his "real" first day tomorrow. Jameson starts 3rd grade tomorrow and I've got to do some things for him, too. I feel like such a crappy mom for not having things ready today.

Depressed.

I woke up so incredibly depressed today and I'm not 100% sure why. L stayed up until around 4am so I have a severe lack of sleep. I'm wondering if lack of sleep is a trigger for my moods to swing.

I didn't show up for work today. I messaged them at 9 and said we'd just woken up (true) and I'd be  in asap. Then I screwed around and fell back asleep until noon. Oops. So, at that point, I was incredibly depressed and crying and just decided to stay home all day. Jenn text me around 1 and asked what was going on. I told her I just felt like the walls are closing in on me today and I can't deal. She responded and said I have to communicate with them so they'll know what's going on. Now that I think about it, I was in a pretty crappy mood at work yesterday, too. I hate my job sometimes. I hate working under J.  She's a spiteful bitch and uses her power to her advantage when she's not happy. When  something makes me upset or mad, I can't stop thinking about it and blowing it way out of proportion. Before I know what's happened, I've turned it into "everyone hates me and I'm worthless.".  Obviously, this is something I need to discuss with my therapist. I have an appointment on Tuesday so maybe we can talk about this. This is the first low I've had in a while. I'm definitely not as low as I used to be, but it's still certainly not fun to lay around and cry and sleep all day. I have no desire to do anything.

I went way out of my comfort zone last night and went to a MRTT Dash and Dine. It was fun, but I'm thinking it could also be a part of my depression in some way. I was the last person to come in, and I was certainly the fattest and I was struggling the most to keep up. I didn't keep up with the majority of the group. My calves screamed the whole time so much so that I'm wondering if I need to talk to my doctor about it. They killed me the whole time. I didn't fuel or hydrate my body properly, but I really don't think most people have such issues with wogging less than a mile. :/ I just feel like I'll never get to where I want to be. The fastest, strongest women there are beautiful and skinny and don't need makeup. So natural and wholesome. I'll never be that person. My skin is so ugly and I'll never be thin, even if I ran and worked out around the clock for the rest of my life. I just feel so damn defeated. The leader of our group shoots down every idea I have with a fucking pretentious smiley face at the end like she's talking to a child. I'm pretty sure she dislikes me because I have the same vinyl machine she has and offered to help with our next social that involves them. "Oh noes, someone has the same machine as me must turn  down every idea she has for no apparent reason."

I've lost another 2 pounds, which brings my total weight loss to 9.8 pounds since June 25. I should be celebrating that, but I'm not. Im just too damn depressed to do anything.

My mom group is worthless these days. There are a few I can count on, but I feel like most of them checked out months ago. I posted about my depression today and got responses from very few. Unless you have something drama filled or ridiculous, it seems like no one really cares. Pardon me for being a grown up.

Today sucks.

--Not So Supermom

Finally.

After 3 weeks of walking or wogging, I finally did week one, day one of C25k! And I lived to talk about it! I took my little buddy J with me and he has been such a great motivator, whether he realizes it or not. He's always there with me, encouraging me in so many ways. I did all of the runs except runs 3 and 8 (the very last run). The third run was on a huge hill. I tried, but I didn't make it through. By the last run, my calves were screaming and I my shins felt like they were going to break. I ordered compression sleeves that should be here tomorrow so I hopefully that pain will ease up! I have such strong, muscular calves and I didn't ever think they'd be the part that hurt the most. My right hip hurt during the first couple of runs, but it was nothing unbearable and I pushed through.

During run 4 or 5, I felt like I finally hit my groove. "Perfect" by P!nk came on the Pandora station I was listening to and I just started ugly crying right there in the middle of my run. The words of the song and thinking about how far I've come in the last 4-5 months hit me and the tears just started flowing. I felt so empowered, yet vulnerable. It was such a cathartic experience and a feeling that I'd like to experience more often! If running brings out these emotions, I'm officially an addict. Pushing my body feels so good and it's so satisfying to go home in a sweat drenched headband and shirt.

I quit smoking almost a month ago and can tell such a difference in my breathing and abilities. I've also been sober for 36 days today! I never in my life thought I could go 36 days without an alcoholic drink. And while I still don't believe I was an alcoholic necessarily, I'm so glad I've stopped the binge drinking. I feel so much better. I'm happier. I'm less stressed (imagine that, even after going back to work!), my marriage has improved, and I just feel like I'm on such a positive path. God has been so, so good to me. Even when I hid from Him.

A Healthier Heather

I started back on my weight loss journey last week. I've been tracking my food and exercise in myfitnesspal and trying to stay under my calorie goal. I've done well so far. One day was off, but that's normal. I have to give myself wiggle room. Today, I worked out for the first time. I did a YouTube Dancing with Jessica video, which I liked a lot, and then a beginner low impact cardio video that I'm ashamed to say I didn't make it through. I had to turn it off at the halfway point. My legs were like jello and the kids were running around acting crazy, so I turned it off. My eating was completely on point today but I felt guilty for not finishing the workout this morning, so I went out for a power walk after  Adam got home. I barely made it to the end of the street before my calves were screaming and I was ready to be done. I turned around and came home. I so hope I can make progress with this. I'm looking for a 30 day challenge to complete during July and haven't decided which to go with yet.

I feel so much better by taking control of my health. I've got to make myself a priority if I want to overcome these issues and I will overcome them! I want to be the best I can be and being a depressed, miserable mess isn't the best I can be. I can feel myself slipping into a depression and I want to fight it with everything I have. I can do this!

Life

I forgot about this blog. I completely forgot about it. I downloaded the Blogger app tonight and it automatically logged me into this. And, let's be honest, reading it tonight made me incredibly sad. Superbaby is now 3 years old. Superboy is now 7 years old and is getting ready to start  3rd grade. Superdad has changed jobs twice since this blog was regularly used. I have a job. An incredibly stressful, ridiculously difficult job.

I never imagined I would not be a stay at home mom. My world came crashing down after Superdad lost his job when I was writing this blog. Things really haven't been the same since. They aren't necessarily worse or better, just so different.

Superbaby (Superpreschooler just doesn't have the same ring to it) is the sweetest, most obnoxious kid in the whole world. I love him so much that, sometimes, when he's being extra cute and quiet, I get tears in my eyes just looking at him. He's full of so many questions and talks incessantly at home, although he is very quiet and shy around others. He still wants my breasts to rest on when he's tired or upset. Isn't that amazing? The breasts that brought him nutrition for the first two years of his life still bring him comfort.

Superboy is amazing. I mean. He just amazes me every day. He is my little twin and I love him so much. He's going into third grade! I can't believe my baby is going into third grade. He had a fantastic 2nd grade year and absolutely adored his teacher. He's starting to require privacy and wants to have friends over and go to sleepovers.

Superdad is now a market manager for a vending service in our town. He loves and hates his job. God willing, there is hopefully a really great job opportunity opening up for him in the coming months. We are still very much in love, even though we drive each other nuts sometimes. He is my best friend and I'm so thankful I have him to do life with.

We found a really great church home last year. We've been going to NewSpring church and have really grown to love it. We have a home group that we meet with regularly. We are both volunteers in Kidspring. I never ever imagined that we would find such happiness in a "mega church" but we very much have. We spent several months last year falling in love with Jesus and with each other all over again.

Me? How am I doing? I don't even know how to put it into words. I will say that I had a very dark time in the last 3 months and I am hopefully finally on the mend. It's a struggle every day. I'm currently out of work due to the issues I've had, but I'm set to return in 3 weeks, which causes all sorts of anxiety and depression to think about. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time being at home with my boys, even at my darkest. I hope to find some resolutions for my issues soon. Until then, I'm just white knuckling this whole life thing.

I will say that I have been doing so much better with the help of a great team of doctors and other medical professionals. I am working on me for a change. I have gained 75 pounds since last summer and that makes me very unhappy. I'm starting a weight loss journey and hope I can eventually become a runner. I'll make a separate post for this because it just doesn't seem to fit here.

For now....
All my love,
Supermom (sometimes)

Dear Jameson...

Dear Jameson,

You are simply amazing. You are hilarious and smart. You are rocking out at school with your knowledge and social skills. You've never met a stranger and love everyone. Open House at school went wonderfully and your teacher is so proud of you, as am I. You can read lots of words and some books. You were the only person in your class that knew all of their letters and how to read when you started kindergarten. I can't believe how grown up you are. It seems like just yesterday that you were lying in my arms and making those sweet sounds that your brother makes now. Although you are such a big boy, I sure do love when you occasionally show me that you still need me, like when you don't feel well or when you get hurt or when you have a bad dream. Those are special times for just us and I savor every second of them, I hope you know. You are simply amazing and I am more proud of you every day, sweet boy. I love you so much and you will always be my baby!

Love,
Mommy